Updated: Jan 13
I want to talk about anxiety this time. The past few posts have been light hearted and not as deep. Going into 2021 I want to be more vulnerable, not just to others, but to myself. Today, I want to dive into something that’s been a part of me for as long as I can remember.
When mojority of people are around me you either hear that I am “quiet and sky” OR ”energetic, social, and funny“. I know, two complete opposites. You see, like most others with anxiety, social gatherings, aren’t exactly my niche. And I wouldn’t be caught out in a social gathering without someone that knew just about everything about me. Small talk, isn’t my thing. Deep conversations, the universe, spirituality, how we’re going to make ourselves into better overall people, and how we’re going to achieve our goals. I hate small talk. So being around a group of friends that socializes every Sunday night and Wednesday night over food, not exactly what I’m looking forward to unless I have “my person” there.
When it came to New Years Eve this year it was once again with the same group that meets every Sunday and Wednesday. So at this point, I’m kind of used to them. However, I am not apart of the group because they like me and chose me. It’s because I’m dating Austin, and this is his ‘family’. I completely understand that too. Some personalities just arent meant to mix and thats completely okay! I will try to make an effort into expressing who I am, but if nobody is a fan of that, ITS COMPLETELY FINE. I’m not going to cross rivers and change myself for my boyfriends family to like me. That’s not who I am. So anyway, with that being said, a lot of the conversation is small talk. Which if you paid even the slightest bit of attention to what I had just spoken about in the last paragraph, you’d know that I HATE SMALL TALK.
My coping mechanism for social situations and anxiety is my phone. My phone because I have a limited amount of resources at the tips of my fingers. I have a YouTube video of otters swimming in a baby pool with plastic balls that calms me down, but most importantly, I have my best friend Megan who knows me better than anyone on the face of this earth. We ignore each other often. Most likely one of us is calling the other one out on some toxic trait we have or a poor coping mechanism. At the end of the day, I know that if I get a phone call or text from her, I read it immediately just to ensure she’s okay and I can go on with my day.
Okay, now that I’ve dragged these stories on and on and on. My point to this anxiety thing relates back to New Years still. So obviously I walk in, I’m feeling myself, I feel good in the outfit I chose because I felt comfortable, I’ve got my phone on me, I’m all good. Then about 45 minutes into the party I start to feel overwhelmed. So I played with the dogs for a bit, we were all having fun and enjoying our time playing. Then at the snap of a finger one turned on me, then two turned on me, then the third was just chasing me because the other two were chasing and biting me. So I’m not entirely sure where that came from considering we were having such a great time, but I got on with the night. And even took some pictures. Here‘s one of my favorites from the night:
Chelsea (on left) Faith (on right) getting attacked by Ren the German Shepard.
After playing with the dogs, drinking a bit, I was a bit tired so I sat on the couch and scrolled through instagram. Is instagram a mindless scrolling app for anyone else? Is your feed filled with things you love and you’re able to scroll through and relax? Because same. Then one of Austins friends comes up and takes my phone from me. Not a good idea. But he didn’t know. I immediately tried to relax myself because I’m not about to overreacted over my phone being taken. I ended up falling asleep on the couch to pass time because I truthfully couldn’t be awake without my phone. My anxiety goes through the roof. “What if something happens and someone tries to call me” “What if Megan’s in trouble” “I can’t relax myself with instagram or cute otter videos”. I know, not the best coping mechanism, but its there for me 99% of the time (as long as nobody takes my phone of course).
At the end of the day, I made it through the night and that’s all that matters. I do wish people would be more considerate though. Maybe that the world doesn’t revolve around them and that taking someone’s phone isn’t cool.
Happy Sunday and enjoy the rest of your week!!